When a group of college freshman shake their thonged pussies into a basement camera, my eyes projectile vomit geysers of admiration. O country and kin, witness these crusaders twerk free the chains of patriarchy and breathe fire into the face of oppression! (With their vaginas.) Be warned: This display of sexual liberation is so profound, your sperm will prostrate inside of your balls. Can you feel America’s misogyny diminish with each choreographed buttclap?
These femme fatales are so effective because they understand the function of their junk: Self-lubricating social justice. Is it coincidence that Virginia Woolf, the 20th century’s most eminent feminist, had a first name suspiciously similar to Vagina? No wonder she was a keynote in the history of women’s rights. “It’s because of her brain,” you say? Nonsense! You can’t gyrate that to rap music. It don’t have a clit, so it ain’t worth shit.
One of the studio dancers, agitated by the ambivalence with which her performance was received, posted the following:
“I just don’t understand why people are so threatened by feminine sexuality these days! Can’t they comprehend that you can love your family, read classic literature, be successful AND express sexual liberation at the same time? We need to grow up!” — Some Bitch
Time to pass the tampax torch: Feminism’s next messiah has descended from the heavens! Well, at least her ass has descended; and then reascended, and then descended again at a quickened pace, etc. Just read her luminary line on the congruity of twerking and classical literature. Absolutely sublime! In fact, noticing the way she spreads her labia at 0:32, I’d wager she’s a voracious reader of Faulkner’s post WWII works. It’s surprising she doesn’t mention Jane Austen’s twerk fiction, or the role of booty shaking in bringing women the right to vote. Still, her reply left my prejudices decimated. After the boner receded into my Tang-stained boxers, I wept for all the times I had ever objectified a woman. (Yes, you can still buy Tang)
“But Lawrence, don’t feminists protest when these “twerks” are used in rap videos?”
Yes, astute reader — and rightfully so! Allow me to illustrate the matter:
The first photo depicts a group of sexually liberated young women. The second tells a sad tale of sexist exploitation deserving universal censure from all social/political institutions. Observe this smug patriarch sipping his crunk juice as young women are mercilessly objectified. Contrary to what Lil Jon may say, this is not at all ‘OH-KAY!’
Finally, we must ignore the notion that your mind is the ultimate weapon of liberation. This erroneous philosophy has absolutely no place in modern feminism. Who’d be able to make money off of that shit anyway? The essence of feminism is between the legs, not the eyes.