Thank you for choosing ISIS Airlines. Please be advised that women are to remain in the cargo hold throughout the duration of the flight. We thank you for your cooperation.
In a few moments we’ll ask all passengers to put on their seat belts. Insert the buckle into the metal tag and tighten by pulling the loose end. Be careful not to displace the detonator or any explosive charges.
If we experience a sudden change in cabin pressure, a turban will drop from the overhead compartment. Please fasten your own before taking care of your children’s. Note that your turban may be inflated and used as a flotation device in the unlikely event of a water landing.
On the command “brace for impact,” take the brace position as you see here:
After impact, any survivors are instructed to exit the plane through one of the gaping holes. Wearing your belt, open your carry-on compartment and remove the Jewish child, who will function as your shield against enemy fire.
For your safety and the safety of others, please be advised that there is no smoking on this flight.
Please make use of our advanced entertainment system while you wait, which features thousands of beheadings from all over the Islamic world. Our film catalog includes seven classic movies such as Honey, I Shanked the Jews and Jerry Macguire.
Flight Meccan you hungry? Passengers may choose between Sheikh-N-Bake Camel Strips or Saddaminos Pizza Pie.
Once again, we’d like to thank you for choosing ISIS Airlines — All departures to paradise.